Bill Engvall has a humorous parody that he calls “here’s your sign”, which is about the very funny things we say and how silly they are when we take that step back, well we do it in golf, also. 

A few years ago I had taken a group of my members to play your beautiful TPC of Scottsdale. On the very first hole my partner hits a tee shot that carried way too far into the transition area of the course. He was dismayed when he saw that the shot was unplayable and bemoaned the fact that this was just not right. I explained what the transition area was and why it was an intricate part of the course.  

After the round, I overheard him saying he had hit into the transmission zone and it cost him. His game must have slipped a gear somewhere. That’s a Double, sir!!

While on the road back from a pro-am our vehicle had a tire go flat.  (You can’t know how hard it was not to say our car had a flat, which would have meant some type of birth experience). As four guys gathered around the flat we have three opinions too many and one guy notices a port-a-potty exactly in the middle of nowhere and painted bright red. “Do you think they would mind if I used it,” he asked? I muttered probably not and off he marches. He returns and says he could not use it as it was for time travel only. Intrigued, I now take the hike to the red menace and see a faded note on the door.  Please take your time while traveling, it read. That’s a Double, sir!!

While playing during the weekend round at the TPC of Sawgrass, we were all treated to the PGA tour pros having to fight the fastest greens in memory. We caught some of it while we made the turn during our round. On seventeen, one player remarks about why are the greens at Black Mesa not as fast as those at Sawgrass. I go into the explanation of our greens having so much movement that if they get that fast no one would ever finish a round. “Oh,” he exclaims, “it’s because they ovulate too much!” My bride, sitting in the cart, cannot retain the schoolteacher part of her and says, “Did you mean undulations?” He looks like a second grader who was just caught in a fib and just starts to laugh. That a Double, sir!!

An elderly gentleman comes up to the counter and asked if we have senior rates or discounts. We only have a single rate, I say. Now I pride myself on being able to be as clear as mud so it was no surprise when he now says, ”I am married, do you have a senior married rate then?”  Realizing my error, I explain that by single I meant we only have one rate. He starts to turn a beautiful shade of red, topped off by the ears that are now deep purple (and not the rock group of same name), he spits just a little and says, “You could have just said no”. And, that’s my Double Bogey, sir!!

Tom Velarde is the Manager at Black Mesa Golf Club in Espanola, New Mexico, just northwest of Santa Fe. For more information or to reach Tom, email tvelarde@blackmesagolfclub.com.